A Childless C-Section

Most of my life I thought I didn’t want children.

The thought alone upset me. All I ever saw were single mothers. Even on the rare occasion I saw a present father in another family, he wasn’t really there for his family in the ways I thought mattered.

In my mind becoming a mother meant being left to figure it out on your own.

In high school I started to see myself as a single mother who would adopt. I still want to adopt one day, there are so many incredible children that just need a loving environment.

I can’t even believe I’m writing this to be honest. If you knew me at 14, this would be nothing short of a miracle.

Over the years my heart softened more I think. Either that or being with the same incredible human and growing together for 10 years has changed my perspective. Well, that and the fact that being faced with the possibility that I wouldn’t even have a choice really scared me.

Little by little I started being able to see how it could make sense.

I promise not to turn this into a place where all I talk about is my myomectomy but it’s so fresh and it’s hard not to think about it as I’m just shy of 4 weeks post op.

There was a bit of an emptiness I felt coming home from the hospital, experiencing something like that and coming home without a baby.

It’s not that I was planning on it or expecting.

I think knowing that the experience is so similar to delivering a baby through a c-section, and having the scar and not the baby is so strange.

Sometimes when people asked at first I heard myself say “it’s like a c-section but no baby”. Instead of a new life, it was these things that were quietly terrorizing me.

Don’t get me wrong, it was a deliverance of sorts and I’m looking forward to life after all of this.

It was just so unexpected to feel that emptiness and I had to be very careful and gentle with myself while having those thoughts and feelings.

Surely I’m not the only one.

So, if you’re like me and have become totally obsessed with researching this entire subject, and you stumble upon this post, I hope this helps.

This year I learned the importance of sharing our stories and I hope if you feel inspired, you will share yours when you’re ready.